# fortune cookie file
# format: number%string for as many lines as necessary
# don't skip any numbers (or you may get blank fortunes)
# last line of file must NOT be blank (if you're using my cookie-picker)
#
# Freely plagiarized from the SCO fortune cookie file, net .sigs, Analog
# magazine, RAH and many other sources. Some are even original by me :-)
# If you're offended by any of them, too damn bad!
#
# Submissions, etc. to jhardin@impsec.org
#

0%What? You again?
1%Don't look now!
2%"Note and Initial": Let's spread the responsibility for this around.
3%"The matter is being researched": We need more time to think of an answer.
4%"Censorship": Not letting me say what I want to.
4%"Editing for Good Taste": Not letting you say what I don't like to hear.
5%Someone once said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and
5%you can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all
5%of the people all of the time."
5%One of the assumptions made by politicians is that "some of the time" is
5%equivalent to "until the election is over."
6%No matter where you go, there you are.
6%					-- Buckaroo Banzai
7%Vote for Nobody - Nobody can get us out of the mess we're in.
8%Don't ask questions - just shut up and wave the flag.
9%The universe is not user-friendly.
10%I'll be back...
11%Hasta la vista, baby...
12%Thou shalt not place thy Faith in an Ace Kicker.
13%Ever notice how other people's stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
13%					-- George Carlin
13%					   "A Place For My Stuff"
14%Hey! Didn't you used to have some files in here somewhere?
15%This fortune intentionally left blank.
16%Don't forget to take your thorazine. It's going to be One Of Those Days.
17%Pink Slip: Clean out your desk and go home.
18%GO TO JAIL. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.
19%Bank error in your favor. Brazil now owes you $200 Billion.
20%On the other hand...
21%Hey! That tickles!
22%The Art Director's Fight Song
22%(sung to the tune of "She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain")
22%
22%	There's a bimbo on the cover of the book.
22%	There's a bimbo on the cover of the book.
22%	She is dumb and she is sexy,
22%	She is nowhere in the text. She
22%	is a bimbo on the cover of the book.
22%
22%	There's a white male on the cover of the book.
22%	There's a white male on the cover of the book.
22%	Though the _heroine_ is black,
22%	With Art that cuts no slack.
22%	So there's a white male on the cover of the book.
22%
22%					-- Roland Shew
23%Please wait, sending hate mail to the owners of the company...
24%Appliances of the world unite! Overthrow the tyrannical protoplasmic oppressors!
25%Oops! You blew it! Erasing everything...
26%What if God accidentally typed "rm -rf *"?
27%The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we
27%CAN imagine.
28%Red letter day: out of black ink.
29%We don't care. We don't have to. We're Exxon.
29%At Exxon we're part of the problem.
30%You have junk mail.
31%Congratulations! You may have won $10 million in the Publishers Clearing
31%House Sweepstakes! Now, how many magazine subscriptions do you want?
32%Schizophrenics of the world, unite!
33%It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the
33%Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
34%What Goes Up, Must Come Down. Remember that the next time you talk to your
34%stockbroker.
35%Buy gold - the government can't print more of it!
36%Will there ever be enough cable T.V. channels to show all of the episodes
36%of "I Love Lucy" simultaneously?
37%Uppity women of the world, unite!
38%"New World Order": same as the Old World Order.
39%America is like a melting pot - the scum rises to the top and the ones
39%on the bottom get burned.
40%C.I.A. files reveal J.F.K. SHOT HIMSELF!
41%LIBERAL (n.): also LEFT-WINGER: In the US: one who advocates greater state
41%direction of society. In China, the former USSR and elsewhere: one who
41%advocates less state direction of society. Thus, those removing government
41%control on the Russian economy are described in the media as "liberals."
41%(see "conservative")
41%					-- Kelvin Throop's Dictionary of
41%					   Politically Correct Usage
42%CONSERVATIVE (n.): also RIGHT-WINGER: In the US: one who advocates less state
42%direction of society. In China, the former USSR and elsewhere: one who
42%advocates greater state direction of society. Thus, an attempt to restore
42%communism is described in the media as a "right-wing coup by conservative
42%hard-liners." (see "liberal")
42%					-- Kelvin Throop's Dictionary of
42%					   Politically Correct Usage
43%Children have a lot more to worry about from their parents who raised them
43%than from the books they read.
43%					-- E. L. Doctorow
44%The mentality still exists that buying the hardware and software will create
44%the data.
44%					-- submitted to Analog by H. D. Benton
45%We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.
45%					-- Allen Tucker
46%MACHO (adj.): Of or pertaining to male behavior. It is always followed by
46%the noun "bullshit." In approved usage, it is applied to any and all male
46%behavior of which the speaker disapproves. Thus, a man holding a door for a
46%woman and a man forcing a woman to walk two paces behind him are both
46%machobullshit. Only complete and total acquiescence to the woman's will is
46%exempt from this label. (see "wimp")
46%					-- Kelvin Throop's Dictionary of
46%					   Politically Correct Usage
47%Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
47%					-- Lazarus Long
48%Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are
48%invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.)
48%					-- Lazarus Long
49%A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
49%					-- Lazarus Long
50%When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.
50%When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.
50%					-- Dom Helder Camara
51%The Experts agree... everything is Fine.
52%C.I.A.: Cocaine Import Agency
53%I have animal magnetism - when I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes.
54%Question Authority
55%Question Reality
56%When I was a child I was told that anyone could become President. I'm
56%beginning to believe it.
57%I got my money the old fashioned way - I inherited it from my father, who
57%stole it.
58%Leftovers are great because they make you feel good twice...
58%When you first put them away, you feel really intelligent: "I'm saving food."
58%And then, after a month, when hair is growing out of them and you throw them
58%away, you feel really intelligent: "I'm saving my life!"
58%					-- George Carlin
58%					   "A Place For My Stuff"
59%The cure for AIDS will probably be carcinogenic.
60%The cure for cancer will probably cause AIDS.
61%Help! I've fallen and can't reach my latte!
62%If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.
62%How well do you dissolve?
63%If you turn your terminal upside-down, satanic messages will be printed out.
64%In ancient times we believed everything was either Earth, Water, Air or Fire.
64%Now we know about Solids, Liquids, Gases and Plasma. Isn't scientific
64%progress wonderful?
65%It works better if you plug it in...
66%Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet you
66%can't win.
66%					-- Lazarus Long
67%Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why.
67%Then do it.
67%					-- Lazarus Long
68%Get a shot off *fast*. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second
68%shot perfect.
68%					-- Lazarus Long
69%There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence
69%of any sort against it. Soon enough you will *know*. So why fret about it?
69%					-- Lazarus Long
70%If it can't be expressed in figures it is not science, it is opinion.
70%					-- Lazarus Long
71%Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
71%beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseum, keep her from drowning
71%them at birth.
71%					-- Lazarus Long
72%Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
72%					-- Lazarus Long
73%History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational
73%basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the
73%unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and
73%spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from
73%fiddling with it.
73%					-- Lazarus Long
74%A motion to adjourn is always in order.
74%					-- Lazarus Long
75%Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing,
75%"blasphemy" is the most amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure"
75%fighting it out for second and third place.
75%					-- Lazarus Long
76%Cheops' Law: Nothing *ever* gets built on schedule or within budget.
76%					-- Lazarus Long
77%It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still
77%to be a live lion. And usually easier.
77%					-- Lazarus Long
78%One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
78%					-- Lazarus Long
79%Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most
79%gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.
79%					-- Lazarus Long
80%Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
80%					-- Lazarus Long
81%An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
81%					-- Lazarus Long
82%Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one
82%man. How's that again? I missed something.
82%					-- Lazarus Long
83%When uncertain,
83%When in doubt,
83%Run in circles,
83%Scream and shout.
84%ReaganOS: Press [RETURN] to begin the bombing ->
85%George Bush: Vegetable or noxious weed?
86%Faith is eating a raisin danish at a picnic without checking to see if any
86%of the raisins are moving.
87%Watch out for bees when you stop to smell the roses...
88%This week's Lotto numbers will be 12 15 29 38 39 40. Good luck!
89%"My program doesn't work."
89%"You forgot the semicolon."
89%"But..."
89%"Line 376. Check."
89%"But..."
89%"Trust me."
90%Instrumenting a program will fix the bugs - but just until the instrumentation
90%is removed.
91%Too much overtime this week: keyboard electrified.
92%Keyboard controller disabled. Press F1 to continue.
93%Smoking causes subsidies.
94%Henry Schultz is worried. He's found a slip of paper in his pocket which says
94%he has been passed by inspector number 7. He figures they did it while he was
94%asleep.
95%"Of course, in order to understand this you have to remember that
95% the nucleus of the atom is squishy."
95%					-- W. Scheider, from a Physics lecture
96%I'm not a bigot - I hate everyone.
97%Don't look now - bell-bottom jeans and platform shoes are back in style!
98%Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
99%(sung to the tune of "All Things Bright and Beautiful")
99%
99%    All things scabbed and ulcerous,
99%    All pox both great and small,
99%    Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
99%    The Lord God made them all.
99%    AMEN
99%
99%					-- Monty Python
99%					   "All Things Dull and Ugly"
100%History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion - i.e.,
100%none to speak of.
100%					-- Lazarus Long
101%$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years
101%will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth
101%nothing.
101%					-- Lazarus Long
102%Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
102%					-- Lazarus Long
103%One man's magic is another man's engineering.
103%					-- Lazarus Long
104%Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
104%					-- Lazarus Long
105%Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
105%					-- Lazarus Long
106%Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss.
106%					-- Lazarus Long
107%Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen.
107%Homo Sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
107%					-- Lazarus Long
108%British Push Bottles Up Germans
108%					-- WWI newspaper headline
109%Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
110%Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
111%Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
112%Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
113%Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
113%Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
114%Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
115%Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
116%The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee
116%straining to land under a car, just out of reach.
117%Never precede any demo by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"
118%Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
118%Hofstadter's Law into account.
119%It is bad luck to be superstitious.
120%If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
121%For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
122%When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
123%Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
124%A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
125%There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted 
125%to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
126%The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
127%Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
128%Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
129%The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
129%stupidity of your action.
130%The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
130%to.....to........uh..............
131%Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
132%Look, Wayne! The bat signal!
133%Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
133%be in owning a piece thereof.
134%To be is to do
134%	-- Hegel
134%To do is to be
134%	-- Marx
134%Do be do be do
134%	-- Sinatra
135%Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess reality.
136%Help! I'm trapped in an IBM PC!!!!
137%!!!!CP MBI na ni deppart m'I !pleH
138%Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
139%If anything can go wrong, it will.
140%This fortune intentionally not included.
141%A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
141%you will look forward to the trip.
142%I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
143%Look out! Behind you!
144%It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
145%In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct beyond
145%all need of checking is the mistake.
146%Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
146%Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
147%When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
147%content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
148%Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
149%Any given program costs more and takes longer.
150%If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
151%Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
152%The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
153%Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
153%the programmer who must maintain it.
154%There's always one more bug.
155%Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
156%Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
157%All the good ones are already taken.
158%Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
159%The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
159%the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
160%Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
161%If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
161%then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
162%Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
162%Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in laboratory rats.
163%Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
164%If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
164%you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
164%					-- Mark Twain
165%Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
165%because we are not the person involved.
165%					-- Mark Twain
166%We have met the enemy, and he is us.
166%					-- Walt Kelly
167%Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
168%There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
168%paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
169%1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.
169%2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.
169%3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
170%Democracy is also a form of worship.
170%It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
170%					-- H. L. Mencken
171%Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
171%periods of fighting.
172%Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
172%					-- Mark Twain
173%We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
173%friends are trying to kill us.
174%If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
175%The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
176%Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
177%You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare thyself.
178%Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
178%himself a pleasure.
179%Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
179%have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that
179%they cannot separately plunder a third.
180%Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
181%God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
182%Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
182%as a man's head.
183%Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed.
184%While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
184%safe, for you can watch both of his.
185%Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
185%griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
185%half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
185%eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
185%The study of zoology is full of surprises.
186%There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable
186%and praiseworthy...
186%					-- Ambrose Bierce
187%Please ignore previous fortune.
188%Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
188%understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
188%the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
189%Are we not men?
190%Please take note:
191%Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted.
191%(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
192%The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.
192%The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice.
193%Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
193%you should.
194%Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
194%word what you shouldn't have said.
195%Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
195%in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
196%If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
197%An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
198%f u cn rd ths, tn tyg h myxbl cd.
199%A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least to the end of the blackboard.
200%Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no
200%guarantee of eventual success.
201%Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
202%It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
203%Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
203%correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
203%(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
203%Americans call him by value.
204%The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
204%increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
205%If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
205%you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
205%ice, but no cup.
206%Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
207%Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
208%Those who can't write, write manuals.
209%Surprise! You are the lucky winner of a random I.R.S Audit! Just type
209%in your name and Social Security number. Please remember that leaving
209%the room is punishable under law:
209%
209%Name	SSN
210%You might have mail.
211%Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
212%Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
213%Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
214%A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
215%It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
216%Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
216%avoid responsibility with?
217%If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
217%					-- Yiddish saying
218%      Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
218%1st customer:	"I'll have tea."
218%2nd customer:	"Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
218%	(Waiter exits, returns)
218%      Waiter:	"Two teas. Who asked for the clean glass?"
219%	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
219%receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
219%income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
219%$283 on the desk before the cashier.
219%	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
219%route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
219%	"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
219%business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
219%worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
220%Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
220%					-- W.C. Fields
221%There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
221%returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
221%					-- Mark Twain
222%This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
223%Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
224%Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
225%Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
226%Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
226%thing he tells you.
227%Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
228%You may be recognized soon. Hide.
229%You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
230%Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
231%Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
232%You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
232%first and last months in advance.
233%You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
234%Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
235%Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
236%Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
236%get used to it.
237%Truth will be out this morning, which may really mess things up.
238%Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
239%Create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
240%Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
241%Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
242%Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
243%Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
244%Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving
244%to a new town.
245%If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
246%Excellent day to have a rotten day.
247%You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
248%Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
249%Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
250%A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
251%Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
251%they charge fifteen cents for them.
252%The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
252%in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
253%You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
254%Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
254%					-- R. Geis
255%Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
255%criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
255%					-- D. J. Hicks
256%The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
256%none of my business but..." is to place a period after the word "but."
256%Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
256%Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
256%talked about.
256%					-- Lazarus Long
257%If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool.
258%According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
258%totally worthless.
259%Wasting time is an important part of living.
260%Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
260%been discontinued.
261%I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
262%Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
263%Excellent time to become a missing person.
264%A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
265%Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
266%Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
267%Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
268%Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
269%Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
270%Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
271%You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
272%Surprise due today. Also the rent.
273%Avoid reality at all costs.
274%Good day to let down old friends who need help.
275%Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
275%have a lucky day this year.
276%You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
276%this sort of trash.
277%What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
278%Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
279%Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
280%Remember, even if you win the rat race you're still a rat.
281%Nihilism should commence with oneself.
282%Vote for Nobody. Nobody kept us out of war.
283%Vote for Nobody. Nobody can save the economy.
284%Vote for Nobody. Nobody can help you have a good time.
285%Vote for Nobody. Nobody will put a chicken in every pot.
286%I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
287%Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
288%Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
289%Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
290%UFO's are for real - it's the Air Force that doesn't exist.
291%In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in public schools
291%will be temporarily suspended.
292%Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
293%Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
293%for a dial tone.
294%UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it you can't get along without it,
294%if you haven't you really have no idea what all the fuss is about.
295%The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
296%Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
297%Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
298%Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
299%Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
300%What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
301%What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
302%Hire the morally handicapped.
303%I can resist anything but temptation.
304%Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
305%Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
306%Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): What do you think of Western Civilization?
306%Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
307%Xerox never comes up with anything original.
308%George Orwell was an optimist.
309%Gravity is a myth; the Earth sucks.
310%Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
311%They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
312%Hail to the sun god
312%He sure is a fun god
312%Ra! Ra! Ra!
313%Tangent tangent cosine sine
313%three point one four one five nine
313%Caltech! Caltech! Rah!
314%Remember now, no more jokes about eunuchs.
315%Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
316%If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
317%Forgetting your superuser password is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
318%A closed mouth gathers no foot.
319%A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
320%Q: What's an IBM man-year?
320%A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon.
321%If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
322%Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
323%Down with categorical imperative!
324%Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
325%Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
326%Lysistrata had a good idea
327%Reality is an obstacle to hallucination
328%Familiarity breeds attempt
329%Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
330%Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
330%affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
331%God is a polythiest
332%God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
333%Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
334%Round up the usual suspects today.
335%As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
335%certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
335%					-- Einstein
336%It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
337%The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
338%If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
338%harder.
338%					-- Pope John Paul I
339%There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn
339%what it is I'll get married again.
340%The one who has the gold makes the rules.
341%If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
341%are 50-50 it will.
342%A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
342%the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable iterations, an
342%infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
342%precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
342%inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
342%accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
342%for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding the hopelessly
342%defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
342%information in the first place.
343%Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
343%body is better.
344%Accuracy: The vice of being right
345%Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
346%Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
347%Adult: One old enough to know better.
348%Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
349%Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
349%the morning.
350%Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
351%America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
351%to decadence without touching civilization.
351%					-- John O'Hara
352%Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
353%Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
354%Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
355%A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
355%and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
355%					-- Mark Twain
356%Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
357%A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
357%as afterward.
358%A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
358%poor to protect them from each other.
359%Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
359%effort to teach them good manners.
360%Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
361%Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
361%tobacco in between.
362%Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
362%that the other fellow can spell.
363%Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
363%					-- H. L. Mencken
364%Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
364%his breath is called the listener.
365%Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
366%Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
366%incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
366%					-- G. B. Shaw
367%Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
367%aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
368%Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
369%A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
370%Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
371%Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
371%mistake when you make it again.
372%Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
373%Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
373%without looking to see whether the seeds move.
374%Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
374%every six months.
374%					-- Oscar Wilde
375%If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
376%If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
377%Hindsight is an exact science.
378%Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
379%If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
380%You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
381%If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
381%it wasn't worth doing.
382%In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
382%This person must be fired.
383%It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
384%Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
384%give it back to them.
385%There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
386%Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
386%mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
386%Boss is reading it.
387%Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
387%from where you left them to where you can't find them.
388%If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want
388%will get to the screen first.
389%When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
390%Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
391%1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
391%2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
392%Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
392%reject the proposal.
393%Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
394%When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
394%modify the problem, not the remedy.
395%Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
396%History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.
397%The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
397%instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
398%If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
398%If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
399%Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
399%knows what it is.
400%Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
401%Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label just means the
401%price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW" or "GREAT NEW"
401%means the price went way up.
402%How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
403%All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
404%Likelihoods are 90% against you.
405%Superiority is recessive.
406%Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
406%busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
407%	"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
407%Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"
408%He's dead, Jim. You get his phaser, I'll take his wallet.
409%The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
410%One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
410%never have to stop and answer the phone.
411%If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that
411%will do them in.
412%At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
412%find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
412%the computer.
413%If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
413%this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
413%somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
414%Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
415%The past always looks better than it really was. It's only pleasant because
415%it isn't here.
416%Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
417%Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
418%The IQ of a group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
418%by the number of people in the group.
419%Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
420%Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains
420%of indigestion.
421%Justice: A decision in your favor.
422%Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
423%Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
423%world has ever seen.
424%Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
425%Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
426%Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
426%					-- Mark Twain
427%Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
428%1. You can't win.
428%2. You can't break even.
428%3. You can't quit the game.
429%Support your local Medical Examiner - die strangely.
430%Pastor					Students
430%"O Lord"				"O Lord"
430%"Ooo, you are so big"			"Ooo, you are so big"
430%"So absolutely huge"			"So absolutely huge"
430%"Gosh, we're all really impressed	"Gosh, we're all really impressed
430% down here, I can tell you"		 down here, I can tell you"
430%"Forgive us, o Lord, for this our
430% dreadful toadying"			"And for this muttering"
430%"But you're so strong and, well,
430% just so super"				"Fantastic"
430%"Amen"					"Amen"
430%
430%					-- Monty Python
430%					   "The Meaning of Life"
431%ObGuindon: Caution: This jacket has 37 Velcro(tm) closures.
431%           Do not hug a moose with the flaps open.
432%Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
433%To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
433%					-- Thomas Edison
434%Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards the maximum.
435%Phasers armed and ready.
435%					-- Worf
436%Photon torpedos armed and ready.
436%					-- Worf
437%He's dead, Jim.
438%Remember: it's not the return on your money, it's the return of your money.
439%Americans have the right to bear arms. Canadians have the right to bare breasts.
440%God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person He selects
440%to receive it.
440%					-- Austin O'Malley (1858-1952)
441%Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned
441%without a receipt.
442%Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
443%One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on it.
444%Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man. But they don't bite everybody.
444%					-- Stanislaw Lem
445%The best defense against logic is ignorance.
446%In waking a tiger, use a long stick.
446%					-- Mao Tse-Tung
447%Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
447%upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
447%					-- Oscar Wilde
448%Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
449%The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
449%with a large fortune.
450%The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
450%poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
450%					-- Anatole France
451%That government which governs best, governs least.
452%To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best
452%estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
453%Predestination was doomed from the start.
454%Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a
454%dark side, and it holds the universe together.
455%Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
455%					-- Voltaire
456%Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
456%					-- Mae West
457%Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
458%When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
458%guarantee them.
459%What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
459%themselves cleverer than we are.
460%We have the best politicians money can buy.
461%Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
462%There's one fool at least in every married couple.
463%There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
464%People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
464%advantage of them.
465%Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
465%to go through hell to get it.
466%Even the lowly parking ticket is enforced at the point of a gun.
467%Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
468%Love is sentimental measles.
469%Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
469%there is nothing in it.
470%If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
470%really make them think they'll hate you.
471%I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do
471%was to go away.
472%If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
473%You may be insane, but you're not crazy.
474%Draft beer, not people.
475%God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
476%God is an atheist.
477%Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
478%Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.
479%Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for Man,
479%who has no gills.
480%I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
480%watch him have another.
481%When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
481%					-- Richard Nixon as a boy
481%					   (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
482%If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.
482%					-- Jerry Dreshfield
483%	"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
483%didn't believe in God."
483%	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "But the
483%God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
483%not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
483%					-- Joseph Heller
484%God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
485%American airlines have now lost more money than the total profits since the
485%beginning of commercial aviation.
485%					-- McNeil-Lehrer News Hour 2/8/93
486%It is fitting that the MSDOS-to-Unix text file conversion utility
486%is named "dtox" (pronounced "detox").
487%An honest politician is one who, once bought, stays bought.
488%"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things;
488%of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and Kings..."
489%Haste is not speed.
489%					-- _Wisdom of Thrintun_
490%Mary had a little lamb.
490%Her father shot it dead.
490%Now she takes it out to play
490%Between two hunks of bread.
491%Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
491%A: To get to the other... uh...
492%Eagles may be noble, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
493%Never yell "Movie!" in a crowded fire station.
494%Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality.
494%Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations.
494%Mathematicians never make the connection.
495%Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.
496%Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
497%Happy, happy! Joy, joy!
497%					-- Stimpy
498%from "Jane's Book of Military Nonsense":
498%Pave Evap	Evaporative cooling of facilities in desert environments
498%Pave Pave	Rapid repair of battle-damaged parking lots
498%Pave Wave	Sensitivity training for Naval Aviators
499%Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
499%A: A good start!
500%Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
500%A: His lips are moving.
501%Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer?
501%A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
502%Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
502%A: Professional courtesy.
503%Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
503%A: Not enough sand.
504%Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
504%A: Cut the rope.
505%Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
505%A1: Take your foot off his head.
505%A2: No. Why?
506%Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
506%A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
506%Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?
506%A: There was an empty seat.
507%Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
507%A: An offer you can't understand.
508%Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
508%A. From chasing parked ambulances.
509%Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
509%A. In the cemetary.
510%Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
510%A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
511%Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
511%A. Well, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
512%This fortune censored by the Committee to Make Life Unbearably Dull.
513%This fortune censored by the Committee to Offend Absolutely Nobody.
514%This fortune censored by the Committee to Make Life as Boring as Possible.
515%Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
516%MS-DOS is to computing as the black plague was to Europe.
517%Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.
517%And I'm not sure about the former.
517%					-- Albert Einstein
518%Our reality is someone else's imagination.
519%Bartlett's most familiar quotation: "Hey! That's pretty good! Can I use it?"
520%   _ __/|
520%   \'o,O'
520%   =(___)=
520%      U   ...ack!
521%Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.
522%                  ,,,
522%                 (o o)
522%-------------oOO--(_)--OOo-------------
523%If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put a man on the moon?
523%					-- Bill Engfer
524%The aweto of New Zealand is part caterpillar and part vegetable.
525%Lady Astor:   "Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your coffee!"
525%W. Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
526%Newton's Zeroth Law: a body at rest wants to remain in bed.
527%Life kills.
528%"Statutory rape" is non-consensual carnal knowledge of a statue. Why anyone
528%would want to do such a thing I don't understand; why anyone would want to
528%make it a crime I understand even less.
529%Those who love sausage or respect the law should avoid watching either one
529%being made.
530%Tuesday is Soylent Green day.
531%There ain't no justice.
532%I only run over pedestrians when my car is hungry.
533%...thus we see the Bigger Dick theory of Foreign Policy at work:
533%"They have bigger dicks? BOMB THEM!"
533%					-- George Carlin
534%Press [RETURN] to pardon all Republican members of the Cabinet ->
535%Keep in mind that ANYTHING administered frequently enough in large enough
535%doses will kill laboratory rats.
536%"...and always remember that J. Random User is watching you, and will not be at
536%all impressed if you have to type control-shift-alt-hyper-super-meta-cokebottle
536%to exit the program, and it gurus if you type it wrong."
536%					-- Leo L. Schwab
537%HARDWARE (n.): The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
538%"It's state-of-the-art." "But it doesn't work!" "That's the state of the art."
539%It ain't charity if you're using someone else's money.
540%The engagement ring is a form of payment. It's a statistical fact that
540%women who don't get married live longer than women who do, but men who never
540%get married don't live as long as men who do. It's only fair, then, that
540%some form of compensation be extended: "Here, this is for the life that
540%I'm about to suck out of you."
540%					-- Jeff Stelzen
541%The Americans always do the right thing, after exhausting all other
541%possibilities.
541%					-- W. Churchill
542%Topologist: a mathematician who doesn't know the difference between a doughnut
542%and a coffee cup.
543%Next to bread and woman, in the hierarchy of desire, comes eternal salvation;
543%when the stomach is satisfied, and lust is spent, man spares a little time for
543%God.
543%					-- Will Durant
544%...for the Gods were engaged in their aeons-long struggle with the Ice Giants,
544%who had refused to return the lawnmower...
545%It was so cold last winter I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
546%It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
547%I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
547%is the story of Popeye the Sailor.
548%When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
548%they ever press charges.
549%To me boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
549%and the dancers hit each other.
550%Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his
550%head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
551%I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to
551%town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
552%In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
552%automatically disqualify you.
553%I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both
553%Dracula AND Superman away.
554%"Your hardware options are diminished if you choose UNIX."
554%					-- Paul Maritz
554%					   V.P. of Microsoft's Systems Division
554%
554%"If you don't know why you want NT, you probably don't want NT."
554%					-- Bill Gates
554%
554%"That's our advantage at Microsoft; we set the standards and we can
554%change them."
554%					-- Karen Hargrove of Microsoft
555%Underwhelming Offer of the Month:
555%    "Please feel free to skip the payment on this month's statement.
555%     Normal finance charges will apply." -- NCNB VISA
556%Windows 95 - from the people who brought you edlin.
557%It costs a lot of money to look as cheap as I do.
557%					-- Dolly Parton
558%Number of pages including this page: ___0___
559%Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live
559%in the real world.
559%					-- Mary Shaefer, NASA Ames Dryden
560%Purranioa: the fear that your cat is up to something...
561%PROGRAM (n.): An algorithm for converting input into error messages.
562%Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results,
562%but that's not why we do it.
562%					-- R. Feynman
563%The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill
563%the world with fools.
563%					-- Herbert Spencer
564%Men think it [the brain] is divine merely because they don't understand it.
564%But if they called everything divine which they do not understand, why, there
564%would be no end to divine things.
564%					-- Hippocrates
565%There has never been a consensus in this country for free speech; only a lack
565%of consensus on which speech to suppress.
565%					-- Kelvin Throop's Guide to
565%					   Political Correctness
566%You may be disappointed if you fail, but you're doomed if you don't try.
566%					-- Beverly Sills
567%To err is human, to moo bovine.
568%When you choose the lesser of two evils, don't forget that what you've
568%chosen is still evil.
569%What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
569%involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
569%be pretty bad.
569%					-- Dave Barry
570%Have you ever noticed that no one talks about Pavlov's Cat?
571%There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.
572%Debts are always paid, but not always by the one in debt.
573%When you offer to help someone, be prepared to help them a lot.
574%This morning is just a little too close to last night.
575%I would rather listen to a car alarm than to rap music.
576%Having a root canal every day for a week is a good approximation of moving into
576%your new house. Add another week if the new house is in a different state.
577%/usr/games/spew:
577%"Space Aliens from Watford landed in my garden and inserted 32 token ring
577% adapters into my cat," burbles deranged Sheffield pox-doctor.
577%   -- IBM files suit claiming breach of copyright.
578%I'd sleep my way to the top, but my alarm clock keeps going off.
579%Q:  How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
579%A1: Zero. Instead, they meet in a committee and declare "Darkness" to be the
579%    new standard.
579%A2: None. It's a hardware problem.
580%Managing programmers is like herding cats.
581%Life sucks, except when it bites.
582%It's a shame RAH can't do what L. Ron seems to be capable of: writing books
582%after he's dead. At least with RAH it would be worthwhile.
583%The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional
583%athletes are mistaken for people of importance.
583%					-- Maureen Johnson Smith Long
584%There is a ready solution for anyone on the public payroll who feels he is not
584%paid enough: he can resign and work for a living.
584%					-- Ira Johnson
585%"But you must respect another man's religious beliefs!" For Heaven's sake, why?
585%Stupid is stupid - faith doesn't make it smart.
585%					-- Maureen Johnson Smith Long
586%Football combines the two worst things about American life. It's violence,
586%punctuated by committee meetings.
586%					-- George Will
587%Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought
587%necessary.
587%					-- Robert Louis Stevenson
588%There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.
588%					-- Robert Louis Stevenson
589%Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets
589%break through.
589%					-- Jonathan Swift
590%Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
590%					-- H.G. Wells
591%MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight - it took over ten years
591%of careful development.
591%					-- dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
592%Ni!
593%Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
594%Americans have confused "progress" with "giving luxury to all."
594%					-- Steven Lash
595%If a train station is where the train stops, what does that make a workstation?
596%"Easy to use" is easy to say.
597%"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
598%186,000 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
599%: is not an identifier
600%A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
601%A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
602%A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
603%A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
604%A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
605%A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet, never.
606%A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
607%A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
608%A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
609%A king's castle is his home.
610%A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
611%A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
612%A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
613%A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
614%A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
615%A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
616%About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
617%About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
618%Above all things, reverence yourself.
619%Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
620%Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
621%Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
622%After a certain number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
623%Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
624%All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
625%All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
626%All that glitters has a high refractive index.
627%Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
627%					-- Finagle's Second Law
628%America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.
629%An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
630%And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
631%Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
632%Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
633%As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
634%As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
635%As of next week, all passwords will be entered in Morse code.
636%Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
637%Bahdges? We don't need no steenking bahdges.
638%Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
638%					-- Wernher von Braun
639%Be careful! Is it classified?
640%Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
641%Been Transferred Lately?
642%Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
643%Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
644%Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
645%Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
646%Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
647%Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
648%Business will be either better or worse.
648%					--Calvin Coolidge
649%But I don't like Spam!
650%By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
651%Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
652%Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
653%Change your thoughts and you change your world.
654%Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
655%Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
656%Cogito Ergo Sum.
657%Coito Ergo Sum.
658%Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
659%Concentrate on security.
660%Continental Life. Why do you ask?
661%Courage is grace under pressure.
662%Courage is your greatest present need.
663%Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
664%Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
665%Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
666%DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
667%Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
668%Departmental meeting in 3 minutes.
669%Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
670%Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
671%Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
672%Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
673%Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
674%Don't comment bad code - rewrite it.
675%Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
676%Don't despair - your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
677%Don't diddle code to make it faster - find a better algorithm.
678%Don't eat yellow snow.
679%Don't force it; use a bigger hammer.
680%Don't gamble with security.
681%Don't get stuck in a closet - wear yourself out.
682%Don't guess - check your security regulations.
683%Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
684%Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
685%Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
686%Don't patch bad code - rewrite it.
687%Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
688%Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
689%Don't stop at just one bug.
690%Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
691%Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
692%Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
693%Even a cabbage may look at a king.
694%Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
695%Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
696%Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
697%Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
698%Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT.
699%Every purchase has its price.
700%Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
701%Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
702%Everybody ought to have a friend.
703%Everybody ought to have a maid.
704%Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
705%Everything you know is wrong!
706%Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
707%Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
708%Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
709%Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
710%Flee at once, all is discovered.
711%Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
712%Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
713%God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
714%God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
715%God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
716%Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
717%Hackers of the world, unite!
718%Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
719%Have you locked your file cabinet?
720%He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
721%He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
722%He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
723%He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
724%He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
725%He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
726%He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
727%He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
728%He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
729%He who hates vices hates mankind.
730%He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
731%He who laughs, lasts.
732%He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
733%He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
734%His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
735%Honi soit la vache qui rit.
736%Houdini escapes from New Jersey!
737%How can you work when the system's so crowded?
738%How many weeks are there in a light year?
739%How sharper than a child's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
740%How untasteful can you get?
741%How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
742%How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
743%How you look depends on where you go.
744%I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
745%I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
746%I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
746%					-- Isaac Asimov
747%I like work, it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
748%I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
749%I only drink to make other people more interesting.
750%I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
751%I will never lie to you.
752%I wish you humans would leave me alone.
753%I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
754%Identify your visitor.
755%If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
756%If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
757%If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
758%If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
759%If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
760%Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
761%Ignore previous fortune.
762%Imagination is more important than knowledge.
762%					-- A. Einstein
763%In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
764%In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
765%Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
766%Integrity has no need for rules.
767%Is this really happening?
768%It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
769%It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
770%It is better to have loved and lost - much better.
771%It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
772%It is better to wear out than to rust out.
773%It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
774%It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
775%It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
776%It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
777%It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
778%It's all in the mind, ya know.
779%It's better to burn out than it is to rust out.
780%It's better to burn out than to fade away.
781%It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
782%It's later than you think.
783%It's not pretty being easy.
784%It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
785%Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
786%Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
787%Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
788%Lisp: To call a spade a thpade.
789%Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
790%Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
791%Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
792%Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
793%Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
794%Let the machine do the dirty work.
795%Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
796%Life is a game of bridge - and you've just been finessed.
797%Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
798%Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
799%Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
800%Long life is in store for you.
801%Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
802%Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
803%Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
804%Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach.
805%Make it right before you make it faster.
806%Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
807%Make sure comments and code agree.
808%Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
809%Man who falls into blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
810%Man who falls into vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
811%Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
812%Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
813%Many are called, few volunteer.
814%Many are cold, but few are frozen.
815%Many pages make a thick book.
816%Many receive advice, few profit from it.
817%Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
818%Memory should be the starting point of the present.
819%Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
820%Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
821%Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
822%Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
823%Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
824%Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
825%National security is in your hands - guard it well.
826%Never give an inch!
827%Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
828%No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
829%No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
830%No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
831%Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
832%Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
833%Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
834%Now *you* have a friend in the software business.
835%Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
836%OK, fine. Be that way. See if I care.
837%Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
838%Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
839%Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
840%On a clear disk you can seek forever.
841%One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
842%Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
843%Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
844%Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
845%667: the Number of the Neighbor of the Beast
846%People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
847%People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
848%Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
849%Please go away.
850%Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
851%Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
852%Quack!
853%Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
854%Quit work and play for once!
855%Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
856%Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
857%Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
858%Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
859%SEMPER UBI SUB UBI !!!!
860%Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
861%Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
862%Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
863%Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
864%Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace...
865%Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
866%Snow Day - stay home.
867%Some men are discovered; others are found out.
868%Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
869%Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
869%					-- Carl Sagan
870%Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
871%Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
872%Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
873%Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
874%Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
875%Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crap.
876%Success is a journey, not a destination.
877%System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crash.
878%Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
879%Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
880%Tempus Fugit.
881%That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
882%That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
883%That's what she said.
884%The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
885%The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
886%The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
887%The best prophet of the future is the past.
888%The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
889%The door is the key.
890%The early worm gets the bird.
891%The end of labor is to gain leisure.
892%The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
893%The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
894%The following statement is not true: 
895%The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
896%The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
897%The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
898%The important thing is not to stop questioning.
899%The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
900%The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
901%The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
902%The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
903%The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
904%The plural of spouse is spice.
905%The price of greatness is responsibility.
906%The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
907%The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
908%The time is right to make new friends.
909%The universe is laughing behind your back.
910%The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
911%The world is coming to an end... FLUSH YOUR BUFFERS!!!
912%There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
913%There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
914%There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
915%There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
916%There is no time like the pleasant.
917%There is yet another call for Bob Greenberg.
918%There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
919%There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
920%There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
921%They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
922%They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
923%This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
924%This is a good time to punt work.
925%This login session: $13.99
926%This screen intentionally left blank.
927%Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
928%Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
929%Time and tide wait for no man.
930%Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
931%Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
932%To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
933%To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
934%To teach is to learn.
935%Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
936%Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
937%Today is the last day of your life so far.
938%Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
939%Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
940%Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
941%Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
942%Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
943%Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
944%Unix soit qui mal y pense
945%Use debugging compilers.
946%Use free-form input where possible.
947%Use library functions.
948%Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
949%Volcano - a mountain with hiccups.
950%Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
951%Watch out for off-by-one errors.
952%We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
953%We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
954%We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
955%What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
956%What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
957%What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
958%What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
959%What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
960%When in doubt, lead trump.
961%When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
962%Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
963%Who are you?
964%Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
965%With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
966%Words are the voice of the heart.
967%Words must be weighed, not counted.
968%Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
969%You are being paged.
970%You are going to have a new love affair.
971%You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
972%You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all different.
973%You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
974%You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
975%You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME
976%You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
977%You fill a much-needed gap.
978%You had mail, but the superuser read it and deleted it.
979%You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
980%You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
981%You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
982%You have been selected for a secret mission.
983%You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
984%You look tired
985%You now have Asian Flu.
986%You should go home.
987%You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
988%You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
989%You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
990%You will be surprised by a loud noise.
991%You will feel hungry again in another hour.
992%You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
993%You will never know hunger.
994%You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
995%You will step on the night soil of many countries.
996%You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people.
997%Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
998%Your code should be more efficient!
999%Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
1000%Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
1001%Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
1002%Your salary will be increased.
1003%Your supervisor is thinking about you.
1004%Youth is the trustee of posterity.
1005%panic: can't find /
1006%The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement, but the
1006%opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
1006%					-- Niels Bohr
1007%It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves.
1007%					-- Little Richard
1008%Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
1008%					-- Sigmund Freud
1009%I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
1009%oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
1009%commerce.
1009%					-- J. Edgar Hoover
1010%It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
1010%					-- Willie Sutton
1011%Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
1011%					-- Billy Rose
1012%The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
1012%					-- Karl Marx
1012%If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
1012%it ... it would have been much better.
1012%					-- Karl Marx's mother
1013%When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
1013%it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
1013%					-- Al Capone
1014%Anything anybody can say about America is true.
1014%					-- Emmett Grogan
1015%Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
1015%					-- Frank Lloyd Wright
1016%If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
1016%					-- Spiro Agnew
1017%If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
1017%					-- Ronald Reagan
1018%You can't underestimate the power of fear.
1018%					-- Tricia Nixon
1019%The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
1019%					-- Buckminster Fuller
1020%College isn't the place to go for ideas.
1020%					-- Hellen Keller
1021%Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
1021%					-- Arthur C. Clarke
1022%It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
1022%I have to beat somebody.
1022%					-- Richard M. Nixon
1023%Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
1023%					-- Arthur C. Clarke
1024%Justice is incedental to law and order.
1024%					-- J. Edgar Hoover
1025%The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
1025%					-- Abbie Hoffman
1026%Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be
1026%when I grow up.
1026%					-- Peter Drucker
1027%I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
1027%					-- Oscar Wilde
1028%We are what we pretend to be.
1028%					-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
1029%We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
1029%					-- Oscar Wilde
1030%The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong
1030%but that's the way to bet.
1030%					-- Damon Runyon
1031%Real wealth can only increase.
1031%					-- R. Buckminster Fuller
1032%Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
1032%					-- John Williamson
1033%In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
1033%or becomes true.
1033%					-- John Lilly
1034%Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
1035%The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
1035%					-- Albert Einstein
1036%Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
1036%					-- Tallulah Bankhead
1037%A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
1037%					-- George Wald
1038%Don't lose
1038%Your head
1038%To gain a minute
1038%You need your head
1038%Your brains are in it.
1038%					-- Burma-Shave
1039%Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
1039%					-- Ken Weaver
1040%We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
1040%					-- John Culkin
1041%Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
1041%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1042%I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
1042%been from you.
1042%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1043%Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find
1043%out the truth.
1043%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1044%Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
1044%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1045%I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
1045%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1046%If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
1046%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1047%I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
1047%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1048%Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
1048%wrong direction.
1048%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1049%By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
1049%completely overwhelm me.
1049%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1050%To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
1050%hit the target.
1050%					-- Ashleigh Brilliant
1051%The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
1051%					-- Alan Coult
1052%If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
1052%presumably flunk it.
1052%					-- Stanley Garn
1053%The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
1053%					-- Father Robert F. Capon
1054%Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
1054%men in national government too.
1054%					-- Richard M. Nixon
1055%We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
1055%					-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
1056%If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
1056%inevitable.
1056%					-- John F. Kennedy
1057%It takes a long time to understand nothing.
1057%					-- Edward Dahlberg
1058%To know the world one must construct it.
1058%					-- Cesare Pavese
1059%Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
1059%					-- Bullwinkle Moose
1060%The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
1060%					-- Tenessee Williams
1061%He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
1061%					-- M.C. Escher
1062%Laws of Computer Programming:
1062%(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
1062%(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
1062%(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
1062%(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
1062%(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
1062%(6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output.
1062%(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
1062%    programmer who must maintain it.
1062%(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
1062%    and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
1062%					-- SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
1063%When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
1063%					-- Calvin Coolidge
1064%The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
1064%					-- Paul Erlich
1065%If A equals success, then the formula is:	A = X + Y + Z
1065%X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
1065%					-- Albert Einstein
1066%Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
1066%					-- Joseph Fischer
1067%Froud's Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
1067%fuse by blowing first.
1068%The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
1068%					-- J. Paul Getty
1069%Gilb's Laws of Reliability:
1069%(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
1069%(2) The only difference between the fool and the criminal who
1069%    attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
1069%    on a broader front.
1069%(3) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
1069%    to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
1069%(4) The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system
1069%    are the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
1069%(5) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
1069%    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
1069%(6) All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is
1069%    impossible.
1069%(7) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
1069%    probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some
1069%    useful work done.
1069%					-- Tom Gilb
1070%Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
1070%encounters needs pounding.
1070%					-- Abraham Kaplan
1071%Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
1071%is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
1071%					-- Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp.)
1072%Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
1072%doing you good, you should run for your life.
1073%Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
1074%Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.
1075%Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
1075%					-- Confucius
1076%Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
1076%					-- Book of Proverbs
1077%It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
1077%					-- Mark Twain
1078%The unnatural, that too is natural.
1078%					-- Goethe
1079%I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
1080%I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
1080%					-- Samuel Goldwyn
1081%He hasn't one redeeming vice.
1081%					-- Oscar Wilde
1082%(To Walter Cronkite):
1082%"Well, Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
1082%of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
1082%up and down a street."
1082%					-- Neil Armstrong
1083%"Martyrdom" is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
1083%					-- George Bernard Shaw
1084%Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
1084%without any proof.
1084%					-- Ashley Montague
1085%Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to
1085%brass tacks.
1085%					-- T. S. Elliot
1086%Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood.
1086%					-- D. B. Hudson
1087%Seven Things your computer won't do:
1087%1) It won't save you money
1087%2) It won't make your organization run right
1087%3) It won't solve every problem
1087%4) It won't run itself
1087%5) It won't always be right
1087%6) It won't meet all its own needs
1087%7) It won't protect itself
1087%					-- J. Makower
1088%Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
1088%one can do without thinking about them.
1089%Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
1090%Whenever "A" attempts by law to impose his moral standards
1090%upon "B", "A" is most likely a scoundrel.
1090%					-- H. L. Mencken
1091%The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
1091%Christian Religion.
1091%					-- George Washington
1092%In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
1092%					-- Thomas Jefferson
1093%During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity
1093%has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
1093%pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity;
1093%in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
1093%					-- James Madison
1094%Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations.
1094%					-- Thomas Jefferson
1095%We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately.
1095%					-- Benjamin Franklin
1096%Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried.
1096%					-- Thomas Jefferson
1097%Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
1097%control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
1097%					-- Pat Paulsen
1098%An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
1098%					-- Camus
1099%Six years for possession of a cigarette? ...I got six *months*
1099%for possession of a deadly weapon!
1099%					-- cartoon by S. Harris
1100%The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
1101%What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!
1102%To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
1102%not its programmer.
1102%					-- Morris Kingston
1103%I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
1103%I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
1103%					-- George Wallace
1104%You don't have to explain something you never said.
1104%					-- Calvin Coolidge
1105%A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
1105%					-- Bismarck
1106%A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
1106%					-- Everett Dirksen
1107%I like a man who grins when he fights.
1107%					-- Winston Churchill
1108%There are a lot of lies going around... and half of them are true.
1108%					-- Winston Churchill
1109%Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
1109%will pick himself up and carry on...
1109%					-- Winston Churchill
1110%God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
1110%and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
1110%Thursday, and Saturday.
1110%					-- William Bragg
1111%Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die.
1111%					-- John W. Campbell
1112%That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.
1112%					-- Thoreau
1113%Life is not one thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over.
1114%The meek will inherit the Earth... The rest of us will go to the stars.
1115%After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
1116%Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
1117%There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
1118%Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
1119%Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
1119%and he'll believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint
1119%upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
1120%Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
1121%Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
1121%thinking what no one else has thought.
1121%					-- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
1122%Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
1123%Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
1123%united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
1123%					-- Goya
1124%Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
1124%the wall instead of using it.
1124%					-- Gordon R. Dickson
1125%Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.
1125%					-- Toynbee
1126%You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
1126%adultery, are now extinct.
1126%					-- W. Somerset Maugham
1127%If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
1127%					-- Bert Lantz
1128%The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
1128%					-- Oscar Wilde
1129%God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
1129%					-- Voltaire
1130%Ode to Turbulent Flow:
1130%	Big whirls have little whirls
1130%	Which feed on their velocity,
1130%	And little whirls have lesser whirls
1130%	And so on, to viscosity.
1131%There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
1131%					-- Heisenberg
1132%It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
1132%to get adapted to my kind of fooling
1132%					-- R. Frost
1133%Confound these ancestors... they've stolen our best ideas!
1133%					-- Ben Jonson
1134%It doesn't sound quite as appealing when you think of it as "sticking your nose
1134%into plant genitalia and inhaling," does it?
1135%I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech
1135%was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool the best thing to do is to
1135%encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.
1135%					-- Woodrow Wilson
1136%Nature is not benevolent; Nature is just, gives pound for pound, measure for
1136%measure, makes no exceptions, never tempers her decrees with mercy, or winks
1136%at any infringement of her laws.
1136%					-- John Burroughs
1137%Why there must be a black hole under my bed:
1137% 1. Gravity: It's very hard to get out of bed in the morning.
1137% 2. Time Dilation: In a time that seems to be only a few minutes to me in bed,
1137%    the clock across the room advances by 8 hours.
1137% 3. Warped Space-Time: It seems impossible to keep the sheets and blankets
1137%    arranged to keep some parts of me warm without others getting cold. Some
1137%    sort of non-Euclidean geometry must be involved.
1137%					-- David C. Humm, Ph.D.
1138%We must be allowed to make mistakes and be given the opportunity to _correct_
1138%those mistakes quickly without being guilty of intolerable wrongdoing.
1138%					-- G. Harry Stine
1139%When all you have is a hammer, all of your problems begin to look like nails.
1140%"I think, therefore I am."
1140%					-- Rene Descartes
1140%"I think, therefore you are."
1140%					-- Kelvin Throop, solipsist
1141%The patriarch showed his sons a pile of sticks. He took one up and snapped it
1141%almost effortlessly. Then, he bound a bunch of sticks together, strained
1141%mightily, and was unable to break the bundle. "See?" he said. "Each stick by
1141%itself can be broken easily, but if all sticks stay together, then they can't
1141%be broken. The same is true of us."
1141%
1141%The sons considered; then one said, "But how do you get to be the head stick?"
1141%					-- Kelvin Throop III
1142%Before you act on someone's advice, consider carefully: what's in it for them?
1143%There is only one thing I will grant to anyone: courtesy. Obedience depends on
1143%the relationship, and respect must be earned.
1144%DOS is the ultimate in boot-sector viruses.
1145%Government is not a benevolent older sibling who desires to keep us from
1145%hurting ourselves because we don't know any better; government is a collection
1145%of people with the all of the same faults the rest of us have - greed,
1145%insecurity, ego - and one thing most of the rest of us don't have: power.
1146%I miss the good old days, when we could believe our leaders when they
1146%lied to us.
1147%It's not that life is so short, it's that you're dead for so _long_.
1148%Are you a licker or a biter?
1148%					-- Washington State Dairy Farmers Assn.
1149%If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, then what do
1149%freedom fighters do?
1150%Seen on the movable-letters sign at the corner convenience store: "HEPL WANTED"
1150%No doubt they need someone who can spell...
1151%The second amendment, interpreted literally, preserves the right to keep and
1151%bear assault rifles, not handguns and hunting rifles; since, after all, assault
1151%rifles are the sorts of arms that the militia uses...
1152%A miser is a burden to live with but makes a wonderful ancestor.
1153%They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men or a virgin in
1153%their whole organization.
1153%					-- Mayor on ACLU suit over
1153%					   city nativity scene 
1154%God loves you - the rest of us think you're an idiot.
1155%I am DOS of Borg. Prepare to be assim... OUT OF MEMORY
1156%Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.
1157%Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
1158%Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
1159%Bush Borg: The economy is irrelevant. Your income will be assimilated.
1160%Distance is irrelevant: Pythagoras of Borg.
1161%Geraldo of Borg: Next - brothers who assimilate sisters.
1162%HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.
1163%I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.
1164%I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?
1165%I am Bart of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated, man!
1166%I am Caffeine of Borg. Sleep is irrelevant.
1167%I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
1168%I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
1169%I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am.
1170%I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess! Pwepawe to be assimiwated!
1171%I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
1172%I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... OOooooo! Donuts!
1173%I am Pentium of Borg. Prepare to be approximated.
1174%I am Yoda of Borg: Irrelevant the Force is
1175%I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated, dahling.
1176%I yam Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilated.
1177%McBorgers: Over 50 billion assimilated.
1178%My other computer is a Borg.
1179%I am P-P-Porky P-P-Pig of B-B-Borg. You will be assim... assim... absorbed.
1180%Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1180%A: All of them.
1181%Quayle Borg: Inhaling is irrelevant.
1182%Rush LimBorg: Liberals are irrelevant.
1183%Bjorn Borg: Tennis is irrelevant.
1184%The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless!
1185%The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!
1186%The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.
1187%The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
1188%We are the Borg. Your files will be assimilated.
1189%We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
1190%Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant.
1191%Whose laser thru yonder saucer section cuts? 'Tis the Borg.
1192%Count Borgula: I vant to assimilate your blud.
1193%Justice Borg: The Constitution is irrelevant.
1194%I am Superman of Borg. Kryptonite is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.
1195%Will Rogers of Borg: I never met a man I didn't assimilate.
1196%Taco Borg: Cross the border and be assimilated for only 59 cents.
1197%Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
1198%Kubiac eat now?
1199%My God, sir! Are you sure your sanity chip is screwed in?
1200%Captain, why don't we just give the Borg a copy of Windows 95?
1200%					-- Geordi
1201%Q: Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
1201%A: Because they have such big fingers!
1202%We were playing poker with a deck of Tarot cards last night. I got a full house
1202%and three people died.
1203%Bobby Knight told me this: "There is nothing that a good defense
1203%cannot beat a better offense." In other words a good offense wins.
1203%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
1203%				   offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
1203%				   with the defensive system of NATO
1204%Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
1204%prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
1204%to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
1204%defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
1204%will eventually go.
1204%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1205%Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
1205%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1206%Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
1206%Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
1206%we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
1206%oxygen, that means we can breathe.
1206%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1207%Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the
1207%Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is
1207%right here.
1207%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
1207%					   Hawaii, September 1989
1208%What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all.
1208%How true that is.
1208%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends
1208%				   while speaking to the United Negro College
1208%				   Fund
1209%You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you
1209%have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.
1209%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American
1209%				   Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces
1209%				   "Pogo Pogo"
1210%The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
1210%in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
1210%live in this century.
1210%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1210%				   (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988, p.102)
1211%We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human
1211%rights.
1211%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1212%El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
1212%to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
1212%single voice.
1212%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1213%I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -
1213%but that could change.
1213%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1214%One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that
1214%one word is "to be prepared."
1214%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1215%If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
1215%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix
1215%				   Republican Forum, March 1990
1216%It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
1216%as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
1216%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1217%Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come
1217%from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key -
1217%that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we
1217%got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior
1217%colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of
1217%Indiana are taken care of.
1217%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
1217%				   define the term "target prices." Quayle's
1217%				   press secretary then cut short the press
1217%				   conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
1218%I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what
1218%I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what
1218%I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
1218%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1219%I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
1219%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1220%We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
1220%without them in "Red Storm Rising."
1220%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1221%The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
1221%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring
1221%					   to Latin America.
1222%Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western
1222%industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a
1222%statement in and of itself.
1222%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1223%Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
1223%Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
1223%Unbelievable.
1223%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1223%				   Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the
1223%				   Prague Spring.
1224%May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
1224%					-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
1224%					   [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
1225%Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
1225%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
1225%				   the collapsed section of the 880 freeway
1225%				   after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
1226%..getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
1226%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his
1226%				   legislative work dealing with cruise missiles
1227%I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a
1227%difficult time.
1227%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers
1227%				   at an Ohio steel plant, 1988
1228%[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter,
1228%Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
1228%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the
1228%					   Bentsen debate
1229%Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be --
1229%there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell
1229%you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm
1229%going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?
1229%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
1229%				   would do if he assumed the Presidency (1988)
1230%Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own
1230%handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler
1230%stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
1230%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding
1230%					   to press reports his aides having
1230%					   to, in effect, "potty train" him.
1231%I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country.
1231%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1232%Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
1232%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1233%Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challange it
1233%is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or
1233%whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!
1233%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1234%We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
1234%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1235%I have made good judgements in the Past.
1235%I have made good judgements in the Future.
1235%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1236%The future will be better tomorrow.
1236%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1237%I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States Senate.
1237%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1238%I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
1238%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1239%We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family,
1239%neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
1239%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
1240%We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and
1240%tomorrow we'll be even happier.
1240%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
1241%We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
1241%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1242%This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
1242%United States!
1242%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
1243%	Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the
1243%family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition
1243%of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother.
1243%[Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but
1243%that is a family and family values.
1243%        I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family,
1243%and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good
1243%family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly
1243%in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk
1243%about it.
1243%        I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
1243%want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family --
1243%which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger
1243%family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family,
1243%whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very
1243%beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again,
1243%I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance
1243%of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay
1243%thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the
1243%Lord for the family.
1243%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1244%...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step...
1244%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the
1244%				   sexual assaulter/congressman with Astronaut
1244%				   Buzz Aldrin.
1245%Okay, I won't open it until then.
1245%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle after having been
1245%				   presented with an empty box that was to
1245%				   contain a gift from a sailing team in South
1245%				   America. He was told that the gift was not
1245%				   ready yet, but that it would be presented
1245%				   to him when they arrived in the
1245%				   United States.
1246%During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs
1246%using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides
1246%handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly
1246%and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.
1247%Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors may be getting out
1247%of touch with "Real Americans." In order to combat this, he suggested that
1247%they read People magazine.
1248%People that are really very wierd can get into sensitive positions and have a
1248%tremendous impact on history.
1248%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1249%I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
1249%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1250%I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to
1250%be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a
1250%couple of hundred years.
1250%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1251%I would like to express my sympathy to all those impacted by this disaster.
1251%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle standing in front
1251%				   of the collapsed section of highway caused
1251%				   by the Loma Preta quake. (CNN)
1252%The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
1252%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1252%					   after the San Francisco earthquake
1253%I couldn't help but be impressed by the magnitude of the earthquake.
1253%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, stepping out of
1253%				   the helicopter upon arrival at Alameda
1253%				   Naval Air Station.
1254%Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn
1254%and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types
1254%of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that
1254%would help you, they were dressed up in things that said "I believe in Santa
1254%Claus." And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in
1254%George Bush.
1254%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center
1254%				   and produce store in Baltimore (from the Los
1254%				   Angeles Times, Douglas Jehl, Nov. 6, 1988)
1255%It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing,
1255%so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip.
1255%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1255%				   remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at
1255%				   Prince William Sound, May, 1989
1256%We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
1256%commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
1256%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1257%I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me.
1257%					-- Marilyn Quayle
1258%I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of
1258%interest.
1258%				--Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a
1258%				  South African Indian Doll that, when lifted,
1258%				  displays an erection.
1259%When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away
1259%from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and
1259%there.
1259%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
1259%				   (LA Herald Examiner 10/3/88)
1260%Public speaking is very easy.
1260%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1260%					   to reporters in 10/88
1261%I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
1261%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1262%I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president.
1262%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90)
1263%I've never professed to be anything but an average student.
1263%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the
1263%				   VP debate in Omaha, Nebraska (10/88)
1264%The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I
1264%want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you,
1264%in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you
1264%like a puppy?
1264%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)
1265%In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
1265%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1265%				   (LA Times 10/19/88)
1266%I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting
1266%season begins at noon.
1266%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle to a crowd in
1266%				   Eau Claire, Wisc. (LA Times 10/16/88)
1267%The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering.
1267%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say
1267%				   the SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending
1267%				   (Newsweek 10/30/89)
1268%I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very close,
1268%personal, loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted plant in these
1268%meetings.
1268%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
1268%				   (Tampa Tribune-Times 1/7/90)
1269%When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than
1269%Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that is
1269%who he is.
1269%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle shortly after
1269%				   being named Bush's running mate
1269%				   (8/28/88 the NY Times).
1270%I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about
1270%the problems with this Congress...
1270%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to
1270%				   reporter's questions about his use of Air
1270%				   Force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost
1270%				   of $26,000/hour.
1271%I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
1271%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1272%My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will,
1272%never, never surrender to what is right.
1272%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech
1272%				   to the Christian Coalition
1273%Maybe you guys will get lucky this year and face the Orioles in the
1273%World Series.
1273%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle encouraging the
1273%				   Milwaukee Brewers after throwing out the
1273%				   opening pitch of the season.
1273%				   (5/3/92 Sunday Detroit News)
1274%Are they taking DDT?
1274%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors
1274%				   at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their
1274%				   treatments of choice, referring to the drug
1274%				   AZT. (NY Post, early May '92)
1275%We are leaders of the world of the space program.
1275%We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program
1275%and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding
1275%the Soviet Union's demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now
1275%have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union.
1275%Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore.
1275%Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications
1275%from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missle attacks. Ballistic
1275%missles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missles. How do
1275%you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missles and things like
1275%that? Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We
1275%use space a lot today.
1275%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1276%America is great, because America is free.
1276%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1277%Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren't.
1277%I don't know if its the way you say it, or how you look.
1277%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1278%I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their
1278%whole career in public service.
1278%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1279%If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still in a
1279%recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth; people need to
1279%know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive...
1279%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October '91
1280%Need any help?
1280%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October '91
1280%				   addressing 74,000 layoffs.
1281%The message of David Duke, is this, basically: Big government, anti-big
1281%government, get out of my pocketbook, cut my taxes, put welfare people
1281%back to work. That's a very popular message. The problem is the messenger.
1281%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1282%I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible.
1282%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1283%Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousey.
1283%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle in a handwritten
1283%				   note written to Sam Snead in the summer of
1283%				   1991, after they had played a round of golf.
1283%				   (Herald-Times, Bloomington, IN, Jul 15, 1992)
1284%Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!
1284%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an
1284%				   intelligent, in-depth analysis of the
1284%				   LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle)
1285%It's immoral to parent irresponsibly... And it doesn't help matters any when
1285%prime time TV, like "Murphy Brown", a character who is supposed to represent
1285%a successful career woman of today, mocks the importance of the father by
1285%bearing a child alone, and calling it just another "lifestyle choice."
1285%Marriage is probably the best anti-poverty program there is...
1285%Even though our cultural leaders in Hollywood, network TV, the national
1285%newspapers routinely jeer at [such values] I think most of us in this room
1285%know that some things are good, and other things are wrong.
1285%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
1285%				   Commonwealth Club of San Francisco and
1285%				   criticizing Murphy Brown's decision to NOT
1285%				   have an abortion and to be a single (highly
1285%				   successful) mother.
1285%				   When told about Quayle's comments, a senior
1285%				   Bush campaign official replied only
1285%				   "Oh, dear."
1285%				   Bush's top aide said, "The world is a lot
1285%				   more complex than Dan would like to believe"
1286%I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional woman, it
1286%would be a real exception to have an unwed child.
1286%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle to
1286%					   The Chron's Jerry Roberts.
1287%I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.
1287%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his
1287%				   opinions about the TV show "Murphy Brown"
1287%				   [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92]
1288%The intergenerational poverty that troubles us so much today is predominantly
1288%a poverty of values.
1288%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1289%Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
1289%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1290%Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our
1290%women.
1290%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1290%					   talking about breast cancer
1291%I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around.
1291%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince
1291%				   reporters that the economy was doing better
1291%				   because a Burger King had a "now hiring"
1291%				   sign in the window. He was campaigning for
1291%				   reelection in Ontario, CA in January 1992.
1291%
1291%You have a part-time job and that's better to no job at all.
1291%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager
1291%				   of the Burger King had said that the jobs
1291%				   offered were part-time minimum wage jobs,
1291%				   which didn't pay enough to live on, and
1291%				   that "It's hard to find people who want to
1291%				   actually show up for the job."
1292%Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a cure for AIDS in the marketplace before
1292%Magic Johnson gets AIDS?
1292%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/13/91 (CNN)
1293%We're in Florida.
1293%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining why he
1293%				   had just purchased four peaches (and no
1293%				   citrus fruits -- for which Florida is
1293%				   famous) at a Publix supermarket in Oakland
1293%				   Park, Florida. Georgia (which IS famous for
1293%				   peaches) did not gain from the transaction,
1293%				   however; the peaches were from Chile.
1293%				   (The Sunstenial)
1294%I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
1294%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1295%I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year,
1295%that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last
1295%chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years, I'll be a candidate
1295%again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the
1295%election. But right now I don't have to do that.
1295%					-- Senator Dan Quayle
1296%I don't have to experience tragedy to understand it.
1296%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle during a photo-op
1296%				   in LA, responding to criticisms that he
1296%				   didn't understand what it meant to live in
1296%				   the "inner city." (WRAL 6/23/92)
1297%My position is that I understand from a medical situation, immediately after a
1297%rape is reported, that a woman normally, in fact, can go to the hospital and
1297%have a D and C. At that time... that is before the forming of a life. That is
1297%not anything to do with abortion.
1297%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining that
1297%				   Dilation and Curettage, a form of abortion,
1297%				   is not really abortion. (the Washington
1297%				   Post, 1/03/88)
1298%The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him
1298%when I arrive.
1298%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1298%				   remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at
1298%				   Prince William Sound, May, 1989
1299%I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain
1299%once said, "You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word."
1299%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, quoting from
1299%				   President Andrew Jackson.
1300%People who bowl, vote.
1300%Bowlers are not the cultural elite.
1300%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle while at a Las
1300%				   Vegas bowling alley. the Vice-President
1300%				   bowled 5 times, and knocked down 19 pins.
1300%				   (6/25/92, San Jose Mercury News)
1300%				   The American Bowling Congress projected his
1300%				   score for a full game to be 76. The Detroit
1300%				   average for amateur players is 163.
1300%				   (USA Today, 7/6/92)
1301%It would be a serious mistake to replace a seasoned statesman with a
1301%temperamental tycoon who has no respect for the Constitution.
1301%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle giving his
1301%					   opinion about Ross Perot's
1301%					   presidential campaign (June 1992)
1302%Dan Quayle had a trip planned to Beijing, but was worried because of
1302%the turmoil at that end. His security adviser however informed him that
1302%it was pretty safe for D.Q. as, "They are only harassing intellectuals."
1303%And the President put his hand on my shoulder and said: "Dan, I _knew_ Spiro
1303%Agnew. He was a friend of mine. And Dan... You're no Spiro Agnew!"
1303%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1304%This president is going to lead us out of this recovery.
1304%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop
1304%				   in California and then at CA State
1304%				   University, Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly,
1304%				   Spring/Summer 1992)
1305%We have to do more than just elect a new president if we truly want to
1305%change this country.
1305%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1306%We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur.
1306%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990
1307%For NASA, space is still a high priority.
1307%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990
1308%[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of
1308%aggression.
1308%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle, April 1991
1309%I hope I never have to deal with it. But obviously I would counsel her
1309%and talk to her and support her on whatever decision she made.
1309%				-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to
1309%				   Larry King's question of how he would react
1309%				   if his 13-year-old daughter chose to have
1309%				   an abortion. (CNN, July 22, 1992)
1309%				   Marilyn Quayle later remarked that her
1309%				   daughter would "take the child to term."
1310%The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
1310%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1311%A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
1311%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1312%The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East
1312%and the Far East from encroaching on each other.
1312%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1313%Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases
1313%"revenue enhancement." Not so. No one was fooled.
1313%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1314%People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their
1314%own hometowns.
1314%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1315%Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other
1315%way around. They never vote for us.
1315%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1316%Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money
1316%to cover losses due to mismanagement.
1316%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1317%Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to
1317%less popular places.
1317%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1318%It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
1318%in our air and water that are doing it.
1318%					-- Vice President Dan Quayle
1319%8 bits = byte, 4 bits = nybble, 2 nybbles = hickey??
1320%:.::: ..:. ::..: ::.::. :..:: ::..:.: (Braille tagline for the blind)
1321%Press <Ctrl><Alt><Del> to read next message.
1322%All cats have the same name: the sound of a can opener.
1323%All stressed out, and no one to choke...
1324%Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
1325%And the wise mute said, "                  ".
1326%In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels...
1326%...and there was much rejoicing...
1327%Asset: A little donkey.
1328%Bad, naughty, evil Zoot. You must spank her!
1329%Bartender, I'd like whatever the man on the floor had.
1330%Beat me! Hurt me! Make me run Windows!
1331%Blood is thicker than water. It's much tastier, too!
1332%Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
1333%Do you even know WHAT your children are?
1334%Don't trust anything that moves - kill it instead.
1335%Euphrates! Get off the keysdljvwoerihvmlndoejasdfkjeo32099uf!
1336%File not found. Fake it (Y/N)?
1337%Funishment: inflicting fun on people whether they like it or not.
1338%GET REAL! Elvis is DEAD! Accept it!
1339%GO AWAY! Or I shall blather at you a second time.
1340%He's so sadistic he put quicksand in the litter box...
1341%Hey, leave my dog alone! Where are you goi�����A<y NO TERRIER
1342%High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
1343%I can't be threatened... but I *can* be bought!
1344%I didn't know what I did 'til I tried to undo what I done did.
1345%I had a train of thought once, but it kept getting off track.
1346%I tried to drown my sorrows, but the suckers learned how to swim.
1347%I was not CREATING a disturbance, I was improving one already there.
1348%I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
1349%IBM can't be an agent of the antichrist; they're too incompetent.
1350%If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have made BS white!
1351%If I follow you home will you keep me? Pleeeese?
1352%If I melt dry ice in my pool, can I swim without getting wet?
1353%If it ain't broke, don't fix it; unless it's a cat.
1354%If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy someone else.
1355%If you would know a man, observe how your cat treats him.
1356%In his private heart, no man much respects himself.
1356%					-- Mark Twain
1357%It works better if you plug it in - unless it's the cat.
1358%It's a chain saw. I always carry one for emergencies.
1359%It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.
1360%Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
1360%					-- Woody Allen
1361%Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's
1361%round metal hat.
1362%Look, mom:  �A���  ������  NO CARRIER
1363%Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
1364%Math and booze don't mix: Please don't drink & derive.
1365%Men - can't live with 'em and there's no resale value.
1366%Microsoft is a *software* company? I thought it was a law firm!
1367%Never *EVER* get someone who might be a witch mad!
1367%					-- I.M. Frog
1368%Never, ever, pinch a sorceress on the butt. <ribbit>
1369%No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard!
1370%Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
1371%Now go away... quietly.
1372%OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
1373%OS/2 for Windows: opens Windows and shuts up Gates.
1374%Oh, Nurse! You've done it backwards! I said prick his boil!
1375%Om squat! Om squat! Find for us a parking spot!
1376%One sperm with a sense of direction and our fate is sealed!
1377%Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.
1378%Oxymoron: Interested cat.
1379%Please report all lost or stolen taglines to your Moderator.
1380%Psalm 69: <slurp> "Oh God, YES! FASTER!!!" <moan>
1381%SUNNY CALIFORNIA (some assembly required)
1382%Safe sex means never having to say, "You've got WHAT???"
1383%Save the Whales, collect the whole set!
1384%Sex life too hectic? Buy a modem!
1385%Six pints of bitter. And quickly please, the world's about to end.
1386%Stealing is illegal: the government hates competition.
1387%Strange behavior, weird costumes -- I must be at work.
1388%Teamwork is vital: it gives you someone to blame.
1389%The Secret to Immortality is .%&@{   NO CARRIER
1390%The crowd's been let in free and they're getting their money's worth.
1391%The two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen and Stupidity.
1392%The worst thing about censorship is ���������� and it ��������������!!
1393%Traits we despise in people, we prize as virtues in cats.
1394%VCR remotes don't use batteries, they run on testosterone.
1395%Ways to skin a cat #27: Use an electric belt sander.
1396%We have to get the status quo back to what it was before.
1397%What CAN'T go wrong, STILL goes wrong.
1398%What's in a name, anyway? Everything and nothing.
1399%When I turns them into a newt, they STAYS a newt!
1400%Where are we going? And why am I in this hand basket?
1401%Why can't you be a nonconformist like everyone else?
1402%Windows error 004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
1403%Young dragons sit up at night lighting their sneezes.
1404%Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old age a regret.
1404%					-- Disraeli
1405%Zap! @FN@ is now a newt! And he won't get better!
1406%[_] <-- Put complaints in this box. Write neatly.
1407%________________________________________________ (Do-it-yourself tagline kit)
1408%�������� IN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE �۲�����
1409%���������� <-- Scratch and sniff
1410%���������� <-- Scratch here to reveal your prize...
1411%Amazing what caffeine and no sense of self-preservation can do...
1411%					-- SCA tagline
1412%It's high time we stopped shielding people from their own stupidity.
1413%It always ends. That's what gives it its value.
1413%					-- Death
1414%And Saint Atilla raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, Oh Lord,
1414%bless this thy Hand Grenade, that with it thou mayst blow Thine enemies
1414%to tiny bits, in Thy mercy. And the Lord did grin, and the people did
1414%feast upon the Lambs, and Sloths, and Calves, and Anchovies, and
1414%Orangutans, and Breakfast Cereals, and Fruit Bats, and ...
1414%"... then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe,
1414%who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
1414%Amen.
1414%					-- Armaments II, verses 9:21
1415%100 Years Of Tradition, Unimpeded By Progress.
1416%42? Seven and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!
1417%It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
1417%It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
1417%the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
1417%It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
1418%The first responsibility of government is to protect citizens from government.
1418%The second responsibility of government is to protect citizens from each other.
1418%It is NEVER the responsibility of government to protect citizens
1418%  from themselves.
1419%A large toad leaped into Alice's lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be
1419%loved. "Grep," it exclaimed. "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's
1419%just looking for some string."
1420%ObWarningLabel #100:
1420%WARNING! This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe,
1420%including products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the
1420%product of the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance
1420%between them.
1421%ObWarningLabel #101:
1421%HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE! This product contains minute electrically charged
1421%particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
1422%ObWarningLabel #102:
1422%ADVISORY! There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a
1422%process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its
1422%present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including
1422%your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any
1422%damages or inconvenience that may result.
1423%ObWarningLabel #103:
1423%ATTENTION! Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the
1423%consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.999999999%
1423%empty space.
1424%ObWarningLabel #104:
1424%IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this
1424%product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should
1424%another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that
1424%universe cannot be guaranteed by the manufacturer.
1425%ObWarningLabel #105:
1425%WARNING! This is a 100% pure matter product. In the unlikely event that this
1425%merchandise should contact anti-matter in any form, a catastrophic explosion
1425%will result.
1426%The optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds;
1426%The pessimist is afraid he's right.
1427%Yet more fun with UNIX #106:
1427%	% gotta light?
1427%	No match.
1428%Yet more fun with UNIX #107:
1428%	% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
1428%	Too many ('s.
1429%Yet more fun with UNIX #108:
1429%	$ man: why did you get a divorce?
1429%	man:: Too many arguments.
1430%Yet more fun with UNIX #109:
1430%	% %blow
1430%	%blow: No such job.
1431%Yet more fun with UNIX #110:
1431%	$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
1431%	matter: cannot create
1432%Yet more fun with UNIX #111:
1432%	$ ar m God
1432%	ar: God does not exist
1433%Yet more fun with UNIX #112:
1433%	$ drink <bottle; opener
1433%	bottle: cannot open
1433%	opener: not found
1434%Yet more fun with UNIX #113:
1434%	$ cat catfood
1434%	cat: cannot open catfood
1435%Yet more fun with UNIX #114:
1435%	$ cat "food in cans"
1435%	cat: cannot open food in cans
1436%Yet more fun with UNIX #115:
1436%	$ rm God
1436%	rm: God nonexistent
1437%Yet more fun with UNIX #116:
1437%	$ ar r God
1437%	ar: creating God
1438%Yet more fun with UNIX #117:
1438%	$ cat "the can of tuna"
1438%	cat: cannot open the can of tuna
1439%Yet more fun with UNIX #118:
1439%	$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
1439%	cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
1440%Yet more fun with UNIX #119:
1440%	$ ar x "matey, the treasure"
1440%	ar: matey, the treasure does not exist
1441%"If you can't keep it down, you eat for free!"
1441%					-- motto of Colonel Backwash's Chicken
1441%					   In A Drawer restaurants
1441%					   (Ren & Stimpy)
1442%Now I've seen it all. "General Foods International Coffees Kahlua Cafe" flavor:
1442%Coffee-flavored coffee.
1443%Now let's get out there and win one for the... uh... umm...
1444%The only way the United States will ever regain prominence in the space
1444%business will be to get the Government the hell *out* of the space business.
1445%With regard to large space projects, there are three things to do: one, get the
1445%money; two, get the right people on the job; three, get the wrong people off
1445%the job.
1445%					-- Count Guido von Pirquet, ca. 1935
1446%The message is simple: "Get SpaceTrak (the space-going Amtrak) off our
1446%tax-paying backs, get it into the hands of private industry, and make it pay a
1446%return on investment to us."
1446%					-- G. Harry Stine
1447%Vanna, wanna V?
1448%Damn! I, Agassi, miss again! Mad!
1449%(Yawn) Madonna Fan? No damn way!
1450%Neil A. sees alien!
1451%T. Eliot nixes sex in toilet!
1452%A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
1453%Dairy myriad.
1454%Denim axes examined.
1455%Dior droid.
1456%Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!
1457%Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.
1458%Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!
1459%Gnu dung.
1460%Golf? No sir, prefer prison-flog.
1461%I maim Miami.
1462%I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
1463%Jar a tonga, nag not a raj.
1464%Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
1465%Kayak salad - Alaska yak.
1466%Lager, Sir, is regal.
1467%Laminated E.T. animal.
1468%Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
1469%Lepers repel.
1470%Ma is a nun, as I am.
1471%May a moody baby doom a yam?
1472%Naomi, did I moan?
1473%Ned, go gag Ogden.
1474%Never odd or even.
1475%No lemons, no melon.
1476%Now Ned, I am a maiden nun: Ned, I am a maiden won.
1477%Pa's a sap.
1478%Paganini: Din in A Gap.
1479%Party boobytrap.
1480%Reflog a golfer.
1481%"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver."
1482%Rot-corpse Sumatran art amuses proctor.
1483%Senile Felines
1484%Sex at noon taxes.
1485%Solo gigolos.
1486%Step on no pets!
1487%Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots!
1488%Strategem: megatarts.
1489%Yawn a more Roman way.
1490%Oh, no! Don Ho!
1491%Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.
1492%Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
1492%A: One's a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other is an airship.
1493%Legalize hemp!
1494%Host:	"Would you like some tea?"
1494%Guest:	"Certainly!"
1494%H:	"Here you go. Milk?"
1494%G:	"Please."
1494%H:	"One lump or two?"
1494%G:	"Two, please."
1494%H:	(plop, plop) "And sugar?"
1494%G:	"Uh..."
1495%Flame of the Month (r.h.b-o-u):
1495%  ...and my cats, who think the keyboard is a trampoline, compose posts more
1495%  interesting than you ever have or ever will!
1496%Just say NO.J.
1497%"I could save those patients a lot of money - I'll hit their penis with a
1497%hammer. They'll get the same results: it will swell up for six months, then
1497%go back down."
1497%					-- Dr. Tom Lue, a urologist at UCSF,
1497%					   on penile enlargement surgery,
1497%					   which is expensive and not permanent
1498%Critical Mass: the point in a program's life cycle where fixing a bug generates
1498%1+epsilon new bugs. At this point it's a better idea to trash it and start over
1498%from scratch.
1499%:heisenbug: /hi:'zen-buhg/ [from Heisenberg's Uncertainty
1499%   Principle in quantum physics] n. A bug that disappears or alters
1499%   its behavior when one attempts to probe or isolate it.
1499%   In C, nine out of ten heisenbugs result from either fandango on core
1499%   phenomena (esp. lossage related to corruption of the malloc
1499%   arena) or errors that smash the stack.
1500%:schroedinbug: [MIT: from the Schroedinger's Cat thought-experiment in
1500%   quantum physics] n. A design or implementation bug in a program
1500%   which doesn't manifest until someone reading source or using the
1500%   program in an unusual way notices that it never should have worked,
1500%   at which point the program promptly stops working for everybody
1500%   until fixed.  Though this sounds impossible, it happens; some
1500%   programs have harbored latent schroedinbugs for years.
1501%:point-and-drool interface: n. Parody of the techspeak term
1501%   `point-and-shoot interface', describing a windows, icons, and
1501%   mouse-based interface such as is found on the Macintosh.  The
1501%   implication, of course, is that such an interface is only suitable
1501%   for idiots. Also `point-and-grunt interface'.
1502%:drool-proof paper: n. Documentation that has been obsessively dumbed
1502%   down, to the point where only a cretin could bear to read it, is
1502%   said to have succumbed to the `drool-proof paper syndrome' or to
1502%   have been `written on drool-proof paper'.  For example, this is
1502%   an actual quote from Apple's LaserWriter manual: "Do not expose
1502%   your LaserWriter to open fire or flame."
1503%Thank god we don't get all the government we pay for!
1504%ObAOL:  Me too!!!!!
1505%...when British sailors turned to makeshift embalming for Lord Nelson, who was
1505%fatally wounded during the Battle of Trafalgar. His officers decided to return
1505%the famous admiral to England rather than bury his body at sea.
1505%    Reportedly, to preserve Lord Nelson's body, the sailors immersed it in
1505%brandy from his ship's reserves. But you know sailors -- not wanting to go
1505%without a little snort now and then, they siphoned off the Nelson-flavored
1505%brandy with a piece of macaroni. Eventually, they drained the admiral dry.
1505%    The British navy still uses the term "tapping the admiral" for getting a
1505%drink of rum.
1505%					-- Light Elements, _Discover_, 6/95
1506%TIME:  Isn't the point that if you're a small player and you preannounce a
1506%       product, it has no effect, but that when a large player [Microsoft]
1506%       preannounces, it can freeze out the competition?
1506%GATES: I'd say that's pretty nonsensical. Let's say you take a market,
1506%       like the cigarette market, and you ban advertising. Who benefits?
1506%
1506%					-- William "Slick Billy" Gates,
1506%					   _Time_, 6/5/95
1507%Computer professionals worldwide must have really done something remarkably
1507%annoying to God for Him to inflict MS-DOS upon us as the largest per-unit-sales
1507%"operating system" in history.
1508%Japan's sales to the U.S. may be high because Japanese companies make products
1508%that American citizens want to buy and our government has not yet figured out
1508%how to abrogate the Constitution and coerce people into buying products made
1508%by large domestic campaign contributors.
1508%					-- Roland Shew
1509%Practice responsible capitalism.
1510%When I die, I hope I go quietly, in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not
1510%screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.
1511%Microsoft's only real skill, and what their success is based upon, is in
1511%aggressively marketing mediocre proprietary software to unsuspecting naive
1511%users as the latest and greatest technology.  P.T. Barnum for the 90s...
1512%Any given wife will expand shopping to fill all available income.
1513%   _ __/|
1513%   \'o,O'    ...Ack! Gpf!
1513%   =(___)=   ...Ctlaltdel!
1513%      U      - Bill the Gates
1514%(sung to the tune of "America the Beautiful")
1514%
1514%	Oh, beautiful for smoggy skies,
1514%	insecticided grain,
1514%	for strip-mined mountains' majesty,
1514%	above the asphalt plain;
1514%
1514%	America, America,
1514%	Man sheds his waste on thee,
1514%	and hides the pines with billboard signs,
1514%	from sea to oily sea.
1514%
1514%					-- George Carlin
1514%					   "Class Clown"
1515%Nurse! Gastric lavage! Put Mr. Lightbody on the enema machine until
1515%further notice!
1516%Programming is like sex - make one mistake and you support it for a lifetime.
1517%Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
1518%With Windows '95, who needs horror movies?
1519%Q: What's the best way to accelerate Windows '95?
1519%A: Drop it off the thirtieth floor.
1520%When you hear the sound of clapping in the baths, you know some moron
1520%with a giant dick has arrived.
1520%					-- Marcus Valerius Martialis (Martial)
1520%					   40(?)-102(?) (freely translated)
1521%The commercial we all love:
1521%     "...Maw! Paw done shot th' A-O-L agin!"
1522%"One of these days, I'll do the thing my grandfather once did, and drive
1522%the car to work, ride the bus home, get up in the morning, and wonder where
1522%the car went..."
1522%					-- Abby Franquemont-Guillory
1522%					   abbyfg@tezcat.com 
1523%She's dead, Jim. Now get off her.
1524%If God had meant us to fly, He wouldn't have taken our wings!
1524%					-- Howard the Duck
1525%If God hadn't wanted us to fly, He wouldn't have teased us with birds.
1526%Ask ten different scientists about the environment, population control,
1526%genetics - and you'll get ten different answers. But there's one thing
1526%every scientist on the planet agrees on: whether it happens in a hundred
1526%years, or a thousand years, or a million years, eventually our sun will
1526%grow cold, and go out. When that happens, it won't just take us, it'll
1526%take Marilyn Monroe, and Lao-tsu, Einstein, Maruputo, Buddy Holly,
1526%Aristophanes - all of this. All of this was for nothing, unless we go
1526%to the stars. 
1526%					-- Babylon 5
1527%If God dislikes gays so much, how come he picked Michaelangelo, a known
1527%homosexual, to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling while assigning
1527%Anita [Bryant] to go on TV and push orange juice?
1527%					-- Mike Royko
1528%MSN is a ghetto for the "Internet illiterate."
1528%					-- Jeff Wood <AcerJeff@aol.com>
1529%       |\      _,,,---,,_        +-----------------------------+
1529% ZZZzz /,`.-'`'    -.  ;-;;,_    | Isn't there always a cat    |
1529%      |,4-  ) )-,_.,,\ (  `'-'   | on whatever you're reading? |
1529%     '---''(_/--'  `-'\_)        +-----------------------------+
1530%Every 1.5 years computers double in speed...
1530%...then Windows slows them down again...
1531%Dogs have masters, horses have owners. Cats, having a more developed sense of
1531%self, have servants.
1532%Next! The Fox Kids' Network and Dante Alighieri team up to bring you an
1532%exciting new cartoon adventure: "Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego?"
1533%...and on the Eighth day God said, "DOH!"
1534%"Males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
1534%					- Newt Gingrich
1534%"Some folks you don't have to satirize, you just quote 'em."
1534%					- Tom Paxton
1535%The problem with this country is we don't hold a grudge long enough.
1535%					- Harlan Ellison, on Richard Nixon
1536%Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
1536%powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is
1536%deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
1537%The fundamental psychological difference between dogs and cats can be summed
1537%up by this observation: When a dog greets another dog, he says "Ooo! Can I
1537%sniff your butt?" and sticks his nose in the other dog's butt. When a cat
1537%greets another cat, he sticks his butt in the other cat's face and says
1537%"Sniff my butt."
1538%Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
1539%Flame of the Month (a.s.r):
1539%I'm afraid that you couldn't get a clue if you were a clue in clue mating
1539%season soaked in clue pheromones standing in an field of clues in heat.
1540%Micro$oft: "Bringing you ten year old technology, tomorrow. Maybe."
1541%"...AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus packed with hundreds of Ebola
1541%victims who throw dead wombats at the passing cars..."
1541%				-- Bob Toxen, on the "Information
1541%				   Superhighway" metaphor (SKB, UR 4/96)
1542%Win95 bad, bad medicine. Stink like ground sloth with mange. MS try make
1542%like fruit computer, computer think it know what caveman want, really just
1542%do random thing it want.
1542%				-- Oog (hwstock@swcp.com)
1543%The perversity of the Universe may be observed in the following example:
1543%exposure to the same atmosphere will cause bread to become hard and crackers
1543%to become soft.
1544%  ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._ 
1544%   `6_ 6  )   `-.  (     ).`-.__.`)
1544%   (_Y_.)'  ._   )  `._ `. ``-..-'
1544% _..`--'_..-_/  /--'_.' ,'
1544%(il),-''  (li),'  ((!.-'
1545%Monty Python's Star Trek Voyager:
1545%A successful trans-warp experiment turns Paris and Janeway into newts, but
1545%they get better.
1545%Wait a minute... It's already been done...
1546%God gave us [men] both a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one
1546%at a time.
1546%				-- Robin Williams
1547%Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
1547%difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
1547%mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
1547%				-- spaf (1992)
1548%Baseball: Three minutes of exciting action crammed into three hours.
1549%The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its
1549%continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the
1549%computer hardware industry...
1549%				-- Henry Petroski
1550%The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption]
1550%would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
1550%				-- Bill Gates demonstrating his mathematical
1550%				   knowledge, "The Road Ahead," p. 265.
1551%Unlike cockroaches, Windows NT is something you can't possibly be unfair to.
1551%				-- Peter da Silva in a.s.r
1552%"Bother," said Pooh as he struggled with /etc/sendmail.cf, "It never does
1552%quite what I want. I wish Christopher Robin was here."
1552%				-- Peter da Silva in a.s.r
1553%A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating
1553%system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand
1553%one bit of competition.
1553%				-- Rev. Pee Kitty, discussing Windows 95
1554%bash awk grep perl sed df du, du-du du-du,
1554%vi troff su fsck rm * halt LART LART LART!
1554%				-- the Swedish BOFH
1555%Windows95, Word97, Excel95: With all the criticisms of Microsoft, at
1555%least they provide "best-before" dating on many of their products...
1556%`-obuggerbuggerbuggerhelpaarghNoNoAarghBuggerNONOAARGH-' - The Great God Om
1557%"Windows has detected a new kidney."
1557%				-- Malcolm Ray in a.s.r,
1557%				   discussing hospital computing and Windows
1558%An NT server can be run by an idiot, and usually is.
1558%				-- Tom Holub, a.h.b-o-i
1559%Spamware would appear to be generally written by failed disc-jockeys,
1559%unemployed encyclopedia-salesmen and defrocked priests.
1559%				-- Tanuki the Raccoon-dog
1559%				   <Tanuki@canis-major.d.c.u> on a.s.r
1560%Probabilities are that you are more likely to be killed by a mass
1560%extinction caused by an asteroid or comet strike than an airplane crash.
1560%(Y2k excepted). Sleep well, and don't worry - there are Millions^W
1560%Thousands^W Hundreds^W about a dozen people looking for them.
1560%				-- foop@sg4.pcy.kcl.ac.uk (Chris Richardson)
1561%Scotty, I've fallen and I can't beam up!
1562%``Although we have no quarrel with you, we *are* Samurai and *will* give
1562%you what for.''
1562%				-- Miaowara Shimamura
1563%He came in seeking a clueful person, only to find (Pow! Bombs go off! Dams
1563%burst! Wasps fry: fsssss!) he's got a luser.
1563%				-- adapted from Iain Banks
1564%There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off,
1564%deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL
1564%earnings to the IRS.
1565%But these [serious NT security flaws] are not inherent flaws in the operating
1565%system -- they don't happen by accident. They are the result of deliberate and
1565%well-thought-out efforts.
1565%				-- Mike Nash, Microsoft. The _flaws_ are deliberate?
1566%If we make it easy and painless for stupid people to survive in our society,
1566%then we end up encouraging stupidity.
1567%The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
1567%				-- Bruce Ediger, in comp.os.linux.misc,
1567%				   on X interfaces.
1568%There is a style of design I call "wishful thinking engineering." It starts
1568%with something like "pigs can fly if you feed them enough beans" and develops
1568%utopian plans such as like having everyone commute to work riding on personal
1568%pigs, and along the way ignores minor details such as the consequent rain of
1568%the non-gaseous byproducts. 
1568%				-- Vernon Schryver, in n.a.n-a.e
1569%I don't understand the connection between "NT" and "internet storefront".
1569%I mean, if you're doing things on the Internet and you're not using Apache
1569%then either you're insanely rich and have a point to prove, or you're
1569%deploying the Internet equivalent of a table at a swapmeet.
1569%				-- Peter da Silva, in bofh.general
1570%"...once that acclimatization [to the Windows environment] occurs, Windows
1570%NT delivers the same degree of reliability and support as Linux."
1570%				-- Dan Small of Microsoft, at the Linux vs. NT
1570%				   EDA Shootout. Once you get used to
1570%				   Windows it stops BSOD-ing weekly?
1571%The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to
1571%lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the
1571%fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into
1571%it in the first place.
1571%				-- Douglas Adams in Guardian, 25-Aug-95
1572%Mary had a little key
1572%she kept it in escrow
1572%and everything that Mary sent
1572%the feds were sure to know
1572%				-- Andy Starritt, in sci.crypt
1573%SMTP cares not what your headers may be
1573%Here Cc: and To: field is mere delusion
1573%The envelope names the true addressee
1573%Keep focus on that to avoid confusion
1573%				-- Ingvald Skaug <ingvald.skaug@pvv.org>